Tuesday, December 4, 2012

The Ugly Side of Adoption

I must start this blog by saying that when it comes to international special needs adoption...we hit the jackpot with our daughter. Yeah, she has a few "orphan quirks" like occasional finger sucking, rocking backwards (and due to having Down syndrome, girlfriend can touch her butt with the back of her head while rocking...creepy, yet impressive...) but overall, she doesn't really act like what I thought she would. She bonded to us almost immediately (She still prefers me over everyone else for basic needs like feeding, and changing diapers, but she's coming around and let Dave change her without putting up a fight 3 times so progress is being made!)...the other night instead of rocking herself back to sleep, she called for "Mumma" at 3am and wanted ME to rock her, which is huge! So excited that she's learning that it's my job to comfort her and make her feel safe, she doesn't have to take care of herself anymore. <3

But, even though my sweet daughter is a rock star, everyday we find more signs of neglect. I'm hesitant to use the word "abuse", but it's on the tip of my tongue...but for the sake of my heart I'll stick with neglect, which is hard enough to swallow when the target of said neglect was my beautiful baby girl. There are the obvious things, things we noticed while visiting her in the orphanage...

She is tiny, only 33 inches tall at 3 years, 8 months old...she wears 12 month clothing, and 3-6 month size shoes. 

She has terribly bottle rotted teeth from only being fed a bottle for 3 1/2 years. 

She (was) like a rag doll, very untrusting, very lethargic...on each trip it wasn't until the last visit, day 5 or 6, that we started seeing her personality, that we started getting smiles and giggles.

Then there were things I started noticing when I busted her out of the orphanage and spent time with her in hotels for over a week

She was obviously drugged. The tired, lethargic, "passive" child we were always presented with ceased to exist after the first night out of the orphanage, and she became even more bubbly, personable, and lively and the days went on.

She was dying of thirst. Her tongue was so dried out it looked like a dry sponge. Her lips were cracked, she had dull sunken in eyes, her hair had no shine, her skin had no glow...literally within 3 days of getting proper nutrition, being bathed, loved on, she physically looked like a different child. Her skin now glows, she has beautiful shiny blonde hair (that is growing fast!), her eyes have a beautiful sparkle...I love how she is progressing but it hurts to know that all her orphanage needed to do to make her this way was feed her, bathe her, and show her some affection. Three years without affection, without being loved...I cannot imagine.

She was left unsupervised with other children, who bullied her. She had scratches, bite marks, and bruises. She is very defensive, she hits (hard!), she pulls hair...we are working on those things now but we understand that it's a defense mechanism that she HAD to develop to protect herself and it's going to take time to undo that behavior.

Then...reality really set in when we got home. Her eyes, which had been "gooey" had gotten progressivly worse. Her medical report stated she was receiving eye drops for pink eye...for 8 months (pink eye was first reported in April, her eyes were runny and goopy everytime we saw her)...she wasn't receiving any eye drops because when we were leaving I asked if I could see her eye drops so I could pick them up at a pharmacy, they had no idea what I was talking about. So we get home, I take her to urgent care even though she already had a Dr. appt scheduled for the 4th (today), I figured she didn't need to wait that long since she seemed miserable. Girlfriend had double inner ear infections, pink eye in both eyes, sinus infection, throat infection, and upper respiritory infection. Anything that could get infected, was, essentially. Today, after 5 days of antibiotics, her eyes look 100% better. They let this poor child suffer with pink eye in BOTH eyes, for EIGHT MONTHS. She also got RSV, for the SEVENTH time in her life right before our court trip. 

We were told she wouldn't walk, that she COULDN'T walk, that she couldn't talk, that she would be just as she is now, a small person with DS, unable to do anything for herself, unable to communicate, unable to learn anything, drinking from a bottle her whole life...horrible existence.

"Are you sure you want to adopt this one, she's not going to get better."

"Yes, we're sure."

"You maybe like to see other healthy children before you decide?"

"No. We love her, we want her, she was meant to be our daughter."


Today, 14 days after walking out of a Russian orphanage with my daughter...she is walking, she knows her family by name (Mumma, Dadda, Bubba *for both brothers*), she is drinking from a regular cup, something my almost 3 year old is still learning himself, she is SMART...as in she has learned how to open doors, open baby gates, and unbuckle herself from her carseat (and promptly RE-buckle herself when given a look), she is so happy, playful...she is NOTHING like what the described her as, and it's because they never gave her a chance. She was born with little flat feet, beautiful almond shaped eyes, one extra chromosome, and her fate was sealed. 

Worthless.

Just admitting to myself that the above word was what my daughter was defined as her entire life is enough to make me curl up in a ball and ugly cry. For the rest of my life I will be grateful for every single person who helped us ransom this little girl's life. This process was never about us, it wasn't about us wanting, or needing a third child. It was always about her, about what she needed, and to everyone who saw that need too, and stepped up and did something to get her one step closer to home. Thank you.

Knowing my sassy little girl will be loved and cared for (and lets face it...spoiled rotten) for the rest of her life brings me some peace, but truthfully, not much...because I know what I left behind when I walked out of that orphanage for the last time. 

I know her crib where she spent most of her life was filled with another orphan within an hour of her leaving.

I know what it's like to look at sweet little ones, their eyes pleading to come too, their little arms raised, saying "Mama?"...it haunts me knowing that I'm here, in a warm house, with everything I could ever need, most of what I could ever want, 3 happy, loved, provided for children...and those sweet babies are in row after row of cribs, motherless, unloved, and considered worthless.

That is the ugly side. Leaving them behind, knowing you can't save them all, knowing that what you've done for one sweet little orphan is just a drop in the bucket...a bucket the size of an ocean. 




Monday, December 3, 2012

Meet and Greet

Kenzi had a big day yesterday! She got to meet her Aunt Oma (who she shares her middle name with), her Aunt Millie (who I considered naming her after because Millie is one of my favorite names ever), and her Uncle Marvin who she liked so much she didn't even try to steal his glasses...which for those who know Miss Kenzi...that says a lot!


She also got to meet a total if ten cousins for the first time, and got to hang out with Amber and Amelia again. Then she spent the rest of the night wearing her papaw out and snuggling with her mamaw.

I wonder what goes through her head when she's being loved on by all these new people? This sweet little girl has never known the love of a family. She's never been tossed in the air, tickled til she's breathless, rocked to sleep, played with until she's decided she's bored, fed whenever she's hungry, changed as soon as goes potty...her most basic needs are for the first time being met immediately, and consistently and with gentle hands by someone who loves her. I think she gets it. I really think she understands that she's loved, that she's safe, and that she's home. These are HER people...whether its me, or her daddy, or her 2nd cousin. Or a family friend....these are people who love her and care about her. She has to feel that love or else she wouldn't be coming out of her shell so quickly.

This past year has been the worst of my life. Loving a child who will become your own who has health issues and who is stuck in a crib in an orphanage on the other side of the world does permanent damage to your mind and your heart. There have been things along this journey that have broken my heart, that I have deemed unforgivable but this awesome little person who I'm now honored to call my daughter has given me a new outlook. Her life has been terrible up until now. But she attacks this new chapter with sych happiness, she is totally care free and it's almost like she's formed this opinion of "well that was then, this is now...I'm letting the past go and just enjoying where that journey led me..." And I need to do the same. So all the pain, hurt, disappointment, and tears from the past year...I'm letting go and following my daughters lead...nothing but blue skies now. <3











Saturday, December 1, 2012

Coming Home




It's a four letter word
a place you go to heal your hurt
It's an alter, it's a shelter
One place you're always welcome
a pink flamingo, double wide
One bedroom in a high rise
a mansion on a hill
Where the memories always will
keep you company
whenever you're alone
after all of my running
I'm finally coming



Home
The world tried to break me
I found a road to take me
Home
There ain't nothing but a blue sky now
After all of my running
I'm finally coming
Home



Well they say its where the heart is
and I guess the hardest part is
when your heart is broken
and you're lost out in the great wide open
looking for a map
finding your way back
to where you belong
well that's where I belong



Home
The world tried to break me
I found a road to take me
Home
There ain't nothing but a blue sky now
After all of my running
I'm finally coming
Home


(Lyrics from 'Country Strong')

New Beginnings

It feels as though I should start a new blog, since everything else in our lives is starting over too. If you would like to catch up, you can read my previous blog HERE. To make a (very) long story short, our family just welcomed a new addition. McKenzie joined our family just days ago all the way from Vladivostok, Russia. She is 3 1/2 and has special needs but that does NOT slow this pumpkin down! She is absolutely incredible and her brothers are just infatuated with her. She is definitely the apple of her families eye. This blog will mostly deal with the ups and downs (cross your fingers for mostly ups!) of international adoption, and parenting a child with Down syndrome and a congenital heart defect. We hope you enjoy the ride!